As much as I dislike AARP I had relented and gotten the card because Janet and I were eating so frequently at Denny's and they give a 20% discount between 4pm and 10pm with the card.
Coffee is supposed to be $1 all day. That took a little arguing because the person that checked me out had no idea what to do with the AARP card. Considering the fact that I sit there close to an hour waiting for Marie to call without receiving a refill I had no intentions of paying a cent more.
Anyway, while I was there I shot a photograph as I most always did in Denny's. The difference being that there is no Janet sitting across from me. It was a strange feeling. I have a feeling that I am not going to like the single life very much.
Right now it is more like she is just in the hospital as she has been so frequently in the past two years and that day after tomorrow I am going to bring her home. However, after Thursday I am afraid that it is going to hit me that there will be no bringing her home. That this is it. Just me an a wooden cube.
Gary, all of your posts make me sad but then they are exactly what one would expect during the early grief stages after losing someone that has been such a huge part of your life for so many years. You are doing fine. Just putting one foot in front of the other, that is good. And writing is good too, as it allows you to get your feelings out and that too is healthy.
ReplyDeleteI know it is very early to mention something like this, but I will do it anyway. Our church offers a grief support program for people like yourself who have recently lost loved ones. I would imagine that it is very therapeutic to be with others who have recently experienced the same kind of loss. I'm sure many other churches (at least the larger ones) offer similar support. At some point, you might consider joining such a group in order to spend an hour or two a week with others who are going through a similar experience. Just a thought...
And now that the weather is not so brutally hot, maybe you can work on one of the many project ideas that you have had on the back burner (I know there is always ideas on your back burner!)
Is there still a memorial service planned? If so, please let me know when/where. I would like to attend if at all possible, but may need to reschedule some things in order to make it work.
Praying for you,
Jan
On a day of burial there is no perspective -- for space itself is annihilated. Your dead friend is still a fragmentary being. The day you bury him is a day of chores and crowds, of hands false or true to be shaken, of the immediate cares of mourning. The dead friend will not really die until tomorrow, when silence is round you again. Then he will show himself complete, as he was -- to tear himself away, as he was, from the substantial you. Only then will you cry out because of him who is leaving and whom you cannot detain.
ReplyDeleteAntoine de Saint-Exupery, French aviator, author; Flight to Arras, 1942.
Jan and John, thanks for the posts.
ReplyDeleteSo far it really hasn't fully hit. I think after Thursday it will. It has been something that I have dreaded so long that there is relief that we are through it. Her quailty of life has gone down so drastacally these last two years it is a relief to know that she no longer has to go through that.
I have been an emotional wreck for many years, even before I lost my job. I worried daily about my abilities to take care of Janet but at the same time I had no intentions of turning her care over to anyone else. My only prayer was that I would be here and be capable of caring for her as long as she needed. That was answered. The only thing that went wrong I always planned to be holding her during her last moments. Even though I am pleased that she seemed to go so easily but I do wish that I had been with her--that she hadn't been alone.
Jan, there will be a memorial serivce Thursday, Nov. 4th at the Rothko Chapel at 2pm. The Chapel is on the corner of Yupon and Sol Ross on the west side of St Thomas University. It is between Montrose and Shepherd on the east and west and Alabama and Richmond on the north and south. We were married there so I have always planed on having her service there. David Bahn has stepped up to do the eulogy which pleases me very much. I would be greatly hornored if you attended.
Heights Funeral Home is handling the cremation and a brief bio is posted to their web site.
http://www.heightsfuneralhome.com/dm20/en_US/locations/20/2091/index.page